Bits and Pieces
by gleefulmusings
Summary: Somewhat a continuation of the "Tickle My Fancy" series. One-shots with Kurt in strange circumstances and the people he meets. Various facets of Kurt, including Supernatural!Kurt, Magical!Kurt, Psychic!Kurt, and general BAMF!Kurt. Regular helpings of Kurtana, Kurtanny, Hevans, and others. No Blaine. No Karofsky. Humor, drama, romance, etc. No Kurts were harmed.
1. Reunion

"You're my sister?" Kurt demanded.

Faith stood there staring at him, unblinking, wondering what the hell she had gotten herself into.

Maybe looking for Mama's baby daddy hadn't been such a good idea after all. From what she had gleaned, this one Taco Bell town was, in some very whack way, crazier than the Dale. It was where stereotypes came to life and then sang and danced their way to the asylum.

No shit, how the fuck did people live here? She would've bailed the moment she learned to stick out her thumb.

Her newly-minted Pops seemed cool enough. She'd just dumped a pile of shit in his lap and he had dealt with it right then and there, giving her a hug and telling her how sorry he was and that if he had only known and whatever.

And, okay, that was a load off her mind. He hadn't known. He hadn't abandoned her. Would've been there for her if her fuckwit maternal unit had bothered to let her fingers do the walking.

The stepmother was pretty chill considering she and Pops had only been married a handful of months. Carole had just shrugged, hugged her, and welcomed her to the family. That was it. No sobbing or crying or jealousy or whatnot, just a woman who loved her husband and their kids.

Carole Hudson-Hummel very much reminded Faith of the late, great Joyce Summers.

The stepbrother could be the poster boy for Massengill except that, every time Faith looked him, she got that not-so-fresh feeling. Seriously, if the Douchey Dumb Giant didn't stop staring at her tits, she was going to rip off his balls like earrings and give them to Spike to play marbles.

The only redeeming quality Massengill had was his sincere devotion to his brother.

That was something Faith had cottoned onto real quick. Finn and Kurt regarded each other as true brothers, not technical relations. She didn't really understand it, how brothers could be so touchy-feely and lovey-dovey and completely nauseating without fucking.

She was also pretty sure that if they _were_ fucking, Finn would be the one taking it in the ass. If Kurt could pull Finn's head from it first.

Kurt.

Kurt was the kicker, and not just for the football team.

Kurt was her brother. Her real, biological fraternal type person. Her baby brother.

Faith took that shit seriously. The moment she had laid eyes on China Doll, she totes understood why Buffy had jumped from that platform for Dawn. It was that instantaneous.

She felt like she had known Kurt her whole life, which wasn't saying much since they just met and he had only asked one question of her.

She liked his moxie. She liked how completely unafraid he was of her, of their father, of the assholes in this town, and of life in general. Kurt was like a gay version of Xander with a backbone.

Well, _gayer_.

Faith was the only one unsurprised when the Pirate King had pulled up stakes (heh), moved to LA, and started boning the First Souled One. That it had made Buffy shit bricks was just gravy.

She shook her head to clear it when she realized that Kurt was actually expecting an answer. She mentally prepared to launch into her spiel about how she had found them and that she didn't want anything from them except to know them and she could always go back to Cleveland, no hard feelings.

Kurt raised a brow - and, _damn_, she envied that ability - and began stalking toward the front door.

"Follow me."

Oh, so it was going to be like that.

Okay, fair enough. She had just waltzed into this kid's life and totally upended it with absolutely no warning. If he wanted to boss her around and talk with her privately, she could respect that for the moment.

She raced after him, inadvertently slamming the door behind her with a little too much force.

She'd pay for the damages later.

* * *

This was so fucking weird!

She was trailing after him as he stalked down his sidewalk like it was a fucking runway in Paris.

Her brother's ass was totally amazing. Like, seriously stellar ass was happening here.

She suddenly wasn't that surprised that Finn couldn't stop touching Kurt. No one was that straight.

He disappeared from sight as he turned the corner and she chased after him.

She turned the same corner and saw him, along with two chicks matching him stride for stride and sashay for sashay. Both were wearing cheerleader uniforms and Faith briefly wished Queen C was along for this ride, because that shit would have been epic.

"This is Brittany and Santana," he stated with no fanfare. "Girls, this is my sister, Faith."

Brittany turned and smiled over her shoulder while Santana turned and _glared_.

Faith took a moment to appreciate that she was a Slayer because otherwise this bitch would have Medusaed her ass.

Neither girl acknowledged her in any other way, which was fine with her.

They walked two more blocks, Faith still lagging behind, curious as to what was going on, when the three before her were joined by another friend, this one male and with a serious case of attitude and mohawk.

"My best friend, Noah," Kurt explained. "My sister, Faith."

The other guy turned and bobbed his head at her. "Call me Puck. Only the Duchess can use my real name."

Faith stared.

They kept walking.

"Noah," Kurt purred in a tone that was _far_ too casual, "if you keep glancing back to ogle my sister's chest, I'm going to remove your kidneys with a rusty spork and feed them to Mrs. Feeney's cats."

Puck swallowed nervously.

Faith swooned.

* * *

Five turns and a quarter of a mile later, another was added to their party. He had the body of Apollo and the hair of Moondoggy.

"Sam, my boyfriend," Kurt said.

Aw, _yeah_.

Her brother had sweet taste. She imagined the two of them had some pretty wild sex that ended with adorable cuddling and declarations of undying love. If she was into shit like that, she might have felt moved. Instead, she mourned that, as pervy as was, she couldn't bring herself to spy on their intercourse as she wanted.

Still, she liked that this Sam kid looked at Kurt like a lost puppy who had finally found his master.

She watched as Brittany pulled away from Kurt with sadness so that Sam could take her place. Brittany then scooted over to Santana's other side and their pinkies linked. Puck rested a forearm on Sam's shoulder.

Kurt's hand slightly reached out and was immediately engulfed in Sam's larger one, their fingers tightly intertwining, palms pressed together like hearts.

Faith just shook her head.

What kind of _Breakfast Club _bullshit was this?

* * *

A very _bad_ feeling began coursing through Faith's veins as she followed the kids as they crossed into a cemetery.

Lima didn't appear to be Demon Central, but Cleveland wasn't that far away and she had gone through too much to lose her little brother now.

Time for a debriefing.

"Kurt," she called out, jogging toward him, "there's something you need to know."

She was interrupted when Kurt launched into a series of handsprings and flips before vaulting himself into the air, gently landing on one foot atop a statue, and dusting the vampire that was already reaching out for him.

Two poofs and two clouds of falling dust later, she noted that Brittany and Santana, stakes in hand, had dispatched two more.

"I'm a Vampire Slayer," Faith said dumbly.

For the first time, her brother smiled at her.

"Join the club, sis."


	2. Divine Intervention

**Author's Note**: This is a brief crossover between _Glee_ and _Once Upon a Time_, featuring Kurt. Pretty much anything goes on OUAT, so I went all out with this one. It's definitely kind of cracky, but should be taken as good fun. As of now, this ficlet is complete. It's very possible I might turn this (or something like it) into a multichaptered fic later on, so a lot of this is purposefully vague. I hope you enjoy it!

* * *

Kurt slowly rose to his feet, glaring around at his new surroundings through narrowed eyes. He had no idea where he was and didn't really care. What _mattered_ was that he had just about to engage in what was sure to have been an incredibly hot, sweaty threesome with Sam and Noah.

Instead, he was now _here_, where there was no sign of a mohawk or a semi-clothed Apollo in sight.

Kurt was thus understandably enraged. After all, everyone knew not to interrupt his sexy times. Whoever had summoned him to wherever the hell this was would pay.

Big time.

That was later, however. First, he had to find out what was going on. He could have just teleported himself home, of course, but he wanted to know why he had been brought here, as well as who had the temerity to dare summon him.

Okay, so his egotism heightened in cases of severe stress. Not being in the middle of a Sam and Noah sandwich was _very_ stressful, thank you. Also, he _was_ one of the most powerful magicals in the world and figured he had the right to be miffed when some unknown entity had transported him against his will.

The magic of the spell which had delivered him was far beyond anything he had ever experienced. He had heard of such spells but never been part of one, either as an instigator or bystander. He was suitably curious.

At the sound of rabble, he arched a brow and began walking toward it to what was, apparently, the center of this admittedly quaint town. He spied a newspaper blowing down the street and, with a crook of his finger, summoned it to his hand. He peered down with mild interest.

_The Storybrooke Daily Mirror_.

He pursed his lips and shrugged. He had no idea what or where Storybrooke was, but he wanted answers and was going to get them. He resumed course.

Two streets over, a crowd of people had gathered to scream, wail, and make grumbled threats. They then began haphazardly marching toward some unknown location. He had just decided to tag along when he heard that name.

_Regina_.

His grin was vicious. At last, he had found her. Or she him. It didn't matter.

What _did_ matter was that he was going to use her guts as a new pair of suspenders for Artie.

He trailed after the townsfolk, most of whom were carrying makeshift pitchforks and torches.

This promised to be quite a show.

* * *

Kurt hovered at the edge of the crowd, content to watch them menace a startled Regina. She looked as though she were honestly surprised people were angry at her for destroying their lives.

He could only shake his head in amused exasperation. Regina truly hadn't changed. She was so desperate for love, not even caring what the source of that love might be, but she was also a conniving and vindictive woman who enjoyed ruining people for the sake of it.

He watched as a blond woman accompanied by three brunettes, one of whom was a young boy, push their way to the front to quell the revolt. He was annoyed with her and horrified by the announcement that Regina had a son.

She had _procreated?_

Someone had willingly procreated _with _her?

Mind. Boggled.

He shrugged it off and waited to see what would happen next. He felt an unparalleled desire for popcorn.

The brunette woman with the blond turned around and Kurt was startled to find himself gazing at Snow White. She had held up well, he thought, and she was one of the few women who could pull off a pixie cut. She had moxie and he gave her credit for it.

Then the brunette male turned and Kurt inhaled sharply the moment he saw the profile.

"James," he whispered with longing. "Oh, James."

He had barely given voice to the words, but someone had overheard them.

Regina, desperate for any respite, seized upon the murmur with abandon.

"You!"

As one, the entire gathering turned toward the direction in which she was looking.

Kurt leaned back against a tree and crossed his arms over his chest, smiling. "Hey, Reggie. How's tricks?"

She opened her mouth to respond, but he cut her off.

"Perhaps you would care to explain the rush of magic which brought me here?" he hissed through clenched teeth, though his voice carried. "It was at a _most_ inopportune time."

"Who are you?" Snow asked baldly.

He bowed, surprising her. "Your Majesty," he greeted her. "We were never formally introduced, though I'm well aware of your reputation. It is a privilege."

She blinked. "Thank you," she said slowly, "but you didn't answer my question."

He grinned. "No, I didn't, and I won't until I have some of my questions answered."

"Do you know who he is?" Emma whispered to Henry, who shook his head.

"He's not in the book," he whispered back.

"He wouldn't be," Regina scoffed. "He's..."

Kurt's eyes darkened as did the skies above him. "I would advise you to play this very carefully, Regina," he said coldly. "Just this brief altercation has informed me of several things, not the least of which is that you have little to no magic at this time. Rest assured that I, however, am at full power and have been ever since you enacted that ridiculous curse."

She paled and he reveled in it.

David inched forward. "You have your magic? You never lost your memory?"

Kurt frowned. Lost his memory? What in the world had Regina done to these people? He thought they had all been merely translocated and then hidden, not cursed with amnesia. He narrowed his eyes. "Who are you?" he demanded. "You're not James."

David's eyes widened and he stepped back as Snow gasped. Emma looked at her parents with curiosity.

"How did you know James?" Snow asked.

Kurt studied her for a moment before his brows gathered and he surmised the truth. "James is dead." He turned toward Regina, a fireball appearing in his palm. "You did this."

The woman cringed, knowing she was powerless to stop his assault. Her only option was to slam shut her front door, though she well knew that wouldn't impede him.

"She didn't!" Henry insisted, stepping in front of his mother to shield her from the unknown man. "The Behemoth killed Prince James!"

Kurt paused, cocked his head, and determined the boy was being truthful. The fireball extinguished itself.

"Who was James to you?" David asked.

Kurt's eyes were suddenly filled with love, devotion, pain, and heartrending sorrow. Snow's immediately welled in response. David forced himself to look away. He had never met his twin, had in fact heard some rather unsavory stories, but this reminded him that his brother had been loved; that he was missed.

"You were lovers," Emma guessed.

Kurt glared. "We were affianced."

Snow's eyebrows shot up. "King George allowed this?"

Kurt laughter was derisive and maniacal. "That old fool had no idea about us. James was always so worried about what his father thought of him, when the truth of the matter was that George was a manipulative bastard with delusions of adequacy who should have been killed for his contributions to world miseries."

David nodded with enthusiasm.

"Uh, excuse me," Emma interjected. "I don't want any fireballs thrown at me, okay, but would you mind explaining how you were engaged to my father's twin brother? You look about fourteen years old." She turned toward David. "Was your brother a pedophile?"

Kurt's answering roar was only quelled when all of the woman's words sunk in. "Your _father_?" He turned toward Regina. "Just what in the hell did this curse do?"

She pursed her lips and said nothing.

He shook his head in incredulity. "You honestly have no idea, do you? And you cast it anyway?" He looked around at the other people. "Obviously this town, Storybrooke, existed in some kind of suspended animation outside of time until the curse was broken," he muttered to himself.

Several people nodded in silent agreement.

"The hot blond must have been sent here prior to the curse being enacted," he continued. "She had to have grown up somewhere else."

Emma, pleased to be considered hot, nodded. "Foster care."

His only concession to her words was a brief wince. "All of the doors to the other worlds were closed with the curse." He looked around. "Why aren't we back in the Enchanted Forest?"

"That's the sixty-four thousand dollar question," Ruby drawled.

"What realm are you from?" Snow asked him. "I know you said we never met, but surely I would have heard of someone with your power."

"Are you a royal?" Ruby asked.

Kurt nodded absently. "I am, but I'm not from the Enchanted Forest."

"What is your line?" asked a dwarf.

Regina snorted and rolled her eyes.

"My father was Theseus, founder and King of Athens," Kurt replied. "My mother was Hippolyta, Queen of the Amazons."

Snow and Emma gaped.

Henry stared at him with fascination. "What are you?"

"A god." He held up a hand. "Well, if you want to quibble over technicalities, I'm an apotheosized mortal."

Henry's face scrunched up. "You died and were made a god?"

Kurt smiled. "I was, and you are a very intelligent young man."

Henry blushed as Regina and Emma both beamed with pride.

"Greek myths," Emma muttered. "Greek myths are real now?"

Kurt smirked. "Welcome to a whole new world, lady." He paused. "Or would that be _Princess_?"

She groaned. "Please don't. Things are confusing enough as it is."

"You were brought here with the curse?" David asked.

Kurt nodded.

David frowned. "Then why didn't you know James was dead? He died over a year before Regina enacted the curse."

Kurt shrugged. "I didn't live in the Enchanted Forest," he explained. "I lived on Olympus and usually only came to earth when James called for me. We couldn't meet often because he was afraid of George discovering us; the man had eyes and ears throughout all of the kingdoms."

He rolled his eyes. "James also was playing up this ridiculous role he had created for himself, namely that of a drunken, gambling lech, all in the name of keeping his father in the dark."

"But he wasn't those things?" asked a surprised David.

"No," Kurt said fiercely. "He was a brave, intelligent, beautiful man who I loved with all of my heart, and that love was fully returned." He curled a lip. "I will have vengeance."

"I'm sorry," Snow said, "but both Behemoth and King George are dead. Vengeance would be pointless."

Kurt scowled and looked away.

"Okay, seriously," Emma said, "how old are you?"

Kurt cocked his head. "By what measure?"

Emma stared at him. "Uh, the earth's clock?"

He shrugged. "Oh. Then I'm immortal."

"What!" David shrieked.

Kurt winked. "God, remember?"

"You didn't think it was odd that James hadn't called for you in over a year?" Regina asked, looking surprised that she had done so.

His eyes turned hazy. "Time moves differently on Olympus. There is no real sense of it as there is on the surface. Outside of this curse, it has, for me, been only minutes since James and I were last together," he said softly.

A thought occurred to Emma. "None of the people from Storybrooke have been able to return to the Enchanted Forest, but you're not from there. Why haven't you returned to Olympus?"

Kurt sighed. "Because the doors between this world and Olympus were sealed two millennia ago when Xena slew most of the Dodekatheon. You would know of them as the Pantheon. Only a few gods and demigods escaped her wrath. When the doors were sealed, those of us that remained took shelter on Olympus. We could travel between other dimensions, such as to the Enchanted Forest, but this particular one remained closed to most of us. Only a few were allowed through."

Emma shielded her eyes with a hand. "Xena the Warrior Princess? Xena's real, too?"

He smiled. "She was," he said, nodding, "and the television show was a fairly accurate account."

"Then how did you end up here?" Snow asked.

"Obviously I was in the Forest when the curse was unleashed, so I was brought here with the rest of you, but I never lost my memory."

"What's your name?" asked a shy Henry.

Kurt smiled down at him. "I go by Kurt Hummel now, but before I was called Hippolytos."

Henry blinked. "Then it was Artemis who made you a god?"

Impressed, Kurt nodded. "She did. She gave me ambrosia after Poseidon killed me."

"Wow," Henry whispered.

"And you're perpetually fourteen?" Emma demanded.

Kurt sniffed. "Seventeen, actually. I don't age. I remain at the age I was when I died." He paused. "However, I can look older or younger if I desire." He smiled. "After my first decade here, I was fortunate enough to encounter a wonderful man and woman who were incapable of having children. I regressed my age and they were kind enough to raise me. I very much consider them my mother and father."

"That's almost...sweet," Emma said.

"If your opinion mattered at all to me, I might find your tone offensive. Since it doesn't, I'm merely amused."

Against her will, she smiled. She could like this kid. This immortal. This immortal kid. Whatever. It said a lot that this was one of the least crazy life experiences she'd had as of late.

David cleared his throat. "You said you were in the Forest when you were brought here. You weren't there to see James?"

Kurt shook his head. "I was on my way to visit my friend, Prince Phillip, to help him rescue the Princess Aurora." He looked around. "Are they here, too?"

Snow startled. "I can't believe I didn't think of them until just now," she said, shaking her head. "I've never see them here." She looked up at David. "Charming?"

"No," he said slowly, "but even if I did, I might not remember them." He grinned. "I only met them at our wedding and I was rather preoccupied that day."

She rolled her eyes, blushed, and punched his arm before looking back at Kurt. "Would you have been able to help Aurora? Are you strong enough to break Maleficent's curse?"

He smirked. "Ask Reggie how strong I am."

They turned to Regina, who looked away.

"But I thought this land had no magic," Henry said.

Kurt walked toward him and bent down to look into the boy's eyes. "There is magic in everything, Henry. There is magic in every leaf, in every grain of sand, in every dog, giraffe, and person." He paused. "Do you know why?"

Henry bit his lip and dwelled on the question for a few moments. "Because life is magic?"

Kurt smiled. "Almost, but not quite. Either way, it was well-reasoned." He leaned closer. "Magic is life, Henry," he whispered into the boy's ear. "There is magic in almost everything, just waiting to be found. You simply have to know where to look."

Henry beamed at him.

"There is magic in your love for your mothers and in theirs for you. There is magic in the love your grandparents share with each other, with their daughter, and their grandson. There is magic in family and friendship and fellowship. Magic is all around you, Henry, but most people are too blind, either by choice or circumstance, to see it."

"Then why can I?" Henry asked. "I knew what this place was without anyone telling me."

"Your innocence," Kurt said. "Youth is a powerful life force, Henry, and innocence is its purest form. We lose strength as we lose our innocence. You see, innocence is the only gift we're given in this life. For everything else, we might fight. In that gift lies purity, and in that purity lies strength."

"I'm strong?" Henry whispered.

"Far more so than anyone has probably realized," Kurt said, "but that will change soon enough." He stood and locked eyes with Regina. "I won't kill you out of respect for your son, but we are by no means done. You took from me my home, my family and friends, and that will not be forgiven easily."

"I'm not afraid of you," Regina said calmly.

"Then you're a fool. You can't defeat me, Regina. You never could. My power is god-given; yours was merely borrowed. Even if all of it is returned to you, you are no match for me and you know it. Don't antagonize me for the sake of saving face. You will lose."

She clenched her jaws and looked away.

Henry tugged on Kurt's sleeve. "Can you help us get back?"

Kurt frowned in thought. "I've yet to discover a dimensional gate and I've been searching for one for almost thirty years."

Henry was saddened. "You couldn't just, like, zap us home?"

"Even I'm not that powerful, Henry," Kurt counseled. "There are limits to what I can do, as there should be. No one should have that much power."

"Not even Rumpelstiltskin?"

Kurt's eyes widened. "Is he here?"

Snow nodded. "He is. He goes by Mr. Gold. You can find him at..."

But Kurt had already disappeared in a shower of golden sparks.

"That can't be good," Snow whispered.

"Or it could be totally awesome," Emma said, grinning.

"Most likely both," Regina said.

David and Henry nodded.

Jiminy Cricket cleared his throat.

At once, the others were reminded they had an audience.

"Crap," Regina hissed as she stepped back inside her house, tugging Henry, and thus inadvertently, Emma and her parents, with her.

The door slammed shut.

* * *

"I was wondering when you would show up," Mr. Gold said as he emerged from the back room of his shop, only for his eyes to widen to the size of dinner plates.

Kurt smirked. "Were you really?"

Mr. Gold opened his mouth but no sound emerged.

"I think we're overdue for a chat, Rumplestiltskin," Kurt said. "Don't you?"


End file.
